you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
