so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
