so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
