non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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