Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
