just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
