I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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