I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
