I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
