you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
