He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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