you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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