his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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