he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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