So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
