It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We need to rekindle our bromance
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
