dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
