I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
