yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He shit in the fireplace
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
