thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
