I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
