I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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