When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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