Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
