Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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