shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
