guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
