She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Ladies don't puke and tell
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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