We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
