the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
