You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
organizing the empties. That sober.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
wow bdsm is so cute
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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