You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
