Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
