he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
