Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
