I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
