ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
