Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My legs feel like baby dolphins
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
