Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
