when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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