I think I won the penis lottery.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
ttyl tear gas
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
