I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
