What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
