Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
