Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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