I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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