I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
