I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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