I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Ladies don't puke and tell
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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