i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
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