nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
In other news, I just burned my penis
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
